Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

“Whenever I date a guy I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’ – Rita Rudner

This quote was funny to me at first, because Rita Rudner is funny, and I’m divorced with children.

But, then I realized, a young woman in love usually dreams about the opposite:
 ‘Will this guy be a good father and husband?’

That’s when I thought this quote was scary.

It’s not only imperative that my children choose the right partner for life/marriage, because I want them to be happy and have a healthy relationship and children, if they choose this lifestyle,
but also because divorce is a free right, and very commonly done in the U.S., 
so I want them to consider their rough patches in a more serious light, prior to marriage.

They need to ask themselves, ‘If I don’t like this now, how will it be if I wind up divorced from this person (which is a dirty business) and co-parenting for the rest of my life with them…

A Note for All Young Loves and Potential Marriages:
It doesn’t get better after marriage and it surely won’t get better after divorce…
Please pay attention to signs, red flags and issues…

No amount of love and wedding bells, or children, will fix these things.
And, it would be better to reevaluate now, before you live the rough patch, for the rest of your life, 
and as that person’s worst enemy because then it’s even less fun.

Not a downer, 
just the truth.

Marriage is serious business.
And should not be taken lightly.
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If you’re divorced with kids, you might still be battling the guilt that goes with being divorced. But, I want to let you know, you shouldn’t let it eat you alive.

First of all, it’s already done, and you can’t go back and change things.

Secondly, according to a piece written by Mary Parke regarding a research study done by CLASP (Center for Law and Social Policy), it’s possible that the quality of the parent’s relationship can be more significant in your children’s life, than divorce.

Even though I’ve always thought this was true, (hence why I left my ‘X’) it’s one of those things most people like to see in writing before they believe it…

This is what I’ve always thought: 
“How could it be better for a kid (or kids) to deal with horrible repeat fights, constant underlying stress and the discord between two parents, over a divorce?” I just could never believe it was, and I worried that my children would grow up witnessing our continued mistakes then go out and repeat them…

Here’s the article:
Doesn’t the Quality of the Relationship Matter More Than the Piece of Paper?

The quality of the relationship between parents matters to child well-being. Children who grow up in married families with high conflict experience lower emotional well-being than children who live in low-conflict families, and they may experience as many problems as children of divorced or never-married parents.47 Research indicates that marital conflict interferes with the quality of parenting. Furthermore, experiencing chronic conflict between married parents is inherently stressful for children, and children learn poor relationship skills from parents who aren’t able to solve problems amicably. When parents have a highly discordant relationship, children are often better off in the long run if their parents divorce. Between 30 and 40 percent of divorces of couples with children are preceded by a period of chronic discord between the parents. In these situations, children do better when their parents divorce than if they stay married.

Seems that if parents who absolutely cannot get a long at all, go through with divorce, they help children avoid learning the ill-handled conflict and poor relationship and communication habits. (Hence why it’s best to get help to learn how to improve these, but it’s not all parents benefit from it, which leads us back to the divorce option.)

In my own personal case, I know that this time around in my second marriage, my children see two adults dealing with our disagreements better. We are not perfect, but we do handle our disagreements better and communicate more successfully than my first husband and I did. Although I did feel very guilty after my divorce because I really thought I might be messing up my kids, I have learned that they are witnessing a much healthier relationship, and will benefit from this today, and always. Hopefully, I will help them break the cycle. (That was the goal.)

What made you feel guilty about your divorce?

How do you think your children have benefited through the divorce?

 

I bet you didn’t.

Unless you got onto that topic of conversation, of course.

Well, I did, and was surprised when he told me.

But should I have been?

Because supposedly, one in every two marriages ends in divorce, and according to a study I read on divorce by country, 4.95 people per thousand are divorced in America.

I completely believe divorce is just one of those things that’s going to be around for as long as mistakes are….not that I like it…because I don’t…but I grew up with it, did it, and well…

This is my thought:

Considering errors have been in existence for (oh, let’s say) forever…I’m afraid that divorce isn’t going anywhere. (Unless our government decides to take that freedom away from us too.)

Truths:


We are human,
imperfect,
broken,
and at the mercy of a powerful driving force which is not always looking our for us; our brain.

The Craziness:
Love…and our powerhouse of a mind…
Yes, that’s right, our deep desires, our incredible love for acceptance and affection… our own ability to justify, accept, and deny problems…all actions which can lead to mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes in love.

We don’t do it because we want divorce…on the contrary, we do it because we have hope…


Another part of human nature…

This has got to be one of the best Divorce Information sites I’ve come across (and there are a lot of them out there).
I like this one because it is positive, fair, honest, helpful and compassionate and deals with every aspect from paperwork to emotions, behavior to court, custody to suggested local legal counsel and all by state.
This website and it’s resources support the whole family and both spouses, it’s not bias to one or the other. It even offers advice on things regarding before and after divorce.
If you are in need of divorce resources and advice, you need to visit DivorceNet.com. 

A Teen Novel, Inspired by Divorce?

 
My teen came to me this week and shared a book she was reading.

Lauren Olivedr’s, Delirium.

Yep, sounds like love…

As she told me the premise of the book, I was shocked.

It’s about how everyone has to get a ‘shot’ before they fall in love; to prevent them from doing so!

And before this one girl can get the shot, (yep-you romantic-hopeful’s guessed it), she falls…

Well, the story has twists and turns…and the ending nearly crushed my daughter!

(Apparently it’s a good book.) It reminded me of when I was getting divorced, I thought that love and marriage were an epidemic to stay away from….

Read the book, to see how it ends….

 

Remember t-shirts like this one? These shirt’s made jokes out of the fact that people looked better after we’d had a few. They are pretty funny actually and it’s true, alcohol can change a person’s perception, as well as drop their inhibitions…so, I suppose this could be good for marriages, right?

I know some married couples who have nightly cocktails together. It’s their routine of winding down and it’s also occasionally part of their date nights as well, when they ‘go out for a few’.

I’ve often wondered, like the shirt states, can a few drinks make anything look attractive?

Including our marriage?

I cannot answer that myself because once my ‘X’ and I were married with children, we drank very little. If we did drink, it was once in a blue moon and/or at the annual company Christmas party. So, for me, I will never know if ‘having a few’ would’ve made my marriage look better (or last).

If it does work for some, that is all well and good. But, I have to wonder…

What about when the couple is still married twenty, thirty or fifty years later, and maybe they’re not drinking anymore…and suddenly they wake up one day wondering how the hell they lived with that bleepity-bleep-bleep for so long.

I’m assuming that that if ‘issues’ that are present in a marriage are never death with, won’t the problems still be there later on in life?

I also have to wonder if the few cocktails they shared, and which helped them to clear their minds, becomes a neverending ritual of ‘not dealing with it’.

I still don’t know the answer to this question and I’m truly looking for insight and reflection on this.

So, I’d like to ask readers:
Do most married couples benefit from enjoying a drink together frequently because it helps them relax and tolerate the tough times (including their mates shortcomings) into which it preserves the length of the relationship….

Or, is this a habit that promotes postponing the inevitable?

I loved this blog post from a fellow blogger. The bravery she had to put out there that she does her evening glass, and  has set a goal to give up her nightly routine of it for 30 days.  Albeit it’s for her self and not her marriage, I just wanted to share this post because I admire her frankness and courage.
Alcohol…the cure, the bandaid, or the sword?

(For those of you who are interested in the archives and the additional pages mentioned here today that are not yet listed  in this blog on WP, please visit: Divorce Dazed)

There are many a things to be done after divorce, though there are probably many more we should not do, but we do anyways. And, all too often, we tend to learn our lesson after it’s been a while, i.e.; when it’s too late.Here is a page on Divorce Dazed which I’ve updated a bit.

This information can be reached in the future by clicking on the Divorce Don’ts tab

Divorce Don’ts 

(By the way, no matter how much it seems….nothing on this list will make the divorce better…hence why it’s successfully made it to the No-No list.)


Healthy Divorcee’s say ‘No’ to the following:
  • Blaming your ‘X’
  • Blaming yourself
  • Dating too soon (for starters-before the divorce is final, is too soon)
  • Dating online
  • Re-marrying too soon (especially to someone you met online)
  • Destroying old photos (you will regret this and your kids may hate you for it)
  • Badmouthing your X to your children (if you have them-the kids will hate this also)
  • Starting every sentence with ‘my X’ when talking to friends (you’re hurt, we get it, now get over it, nobody wants to hear the broken record)
  • Searching for a pill or drink that will numb the pain or loneliness you feel (this won”t make it go away, it just creates a whole new problem)
Yes, divorce is ugly and makes you want to get over it A.S.A.P. and with minimal damage.
It is possible, but it’s not easy.

Visit some other posts here on Divorce Dazed, and try to find solace in the fact that many of us have been in the same boat….Divorce is no picnic, for sure.
But the good news is, as time passes, so will the pain…The sun truly will shine again.

Many wonderful opportunities come to us disguised as bad events.
Don’t lose hope.

~’Just when the caterpillar thought that the world was over, he became a butterfly.’~ proverb