Posts Tagged ‘Healing’

 


TRUE:
Divorce is the end of our marriage,
 and a chapter in our lives,
But, it doesn’t have to be the end of our world,
our life,
or our happiness!
TRUE:
‘Nobody can go back and start a new beginning…

but
Anyone can start today and make a new ending.’
-Maria Robinson
LET GO OF YOUR OLD STORY,
AND REWRITE A NEW ONE WITH A MAGNIFICENT ENDING!
TODAY!!!!
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I bet you didn’t.

Unless you got onto that topic of conversation, of course.

Well, I did, and was surprised when he told me.

But should I have been?

Because supposedly, one in every two marriages ends in divorce, and according to a study I read on divorce by country, 4.95 people per thousand are divorced in America.

I completely believe divorce is just one of those things that’s going to be around for as long as mistakes are….not that I like it…because I don’t…but I grew up with it, did it, and well…

This is my thought:

Considering errors have been in existence for (oh, let’s say) forever…I’m afraid that divorce isn’t going anywhere. (Unless our government decides to take that freedom away from us too.)

Truths:


We are human,
imperfect,
broken,
and at the mercy of a powerful driving force which is not always looking our for us; our brain.

The Craziness:
Love…and our powerhouse of a mind…
Yes, that’s right, our deep desires, our incredible love for acceptance and affection… our own ability to justify, accept, and deny problems…all actions which can lead to mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes in love.

We don’t do it because we want divorce…on the contrary, we do it because we have hope…


Another part of human nature…

Last year, when I started Divorce Dazed, it was the last of the babies born to my collection of blogs, and as it reaches it’s first anniversary, I’m evaluating it, and its content, just as I’ve done with the others.Some have asked me why I glorify divorce, others wonder why I want to stay stuck in the past by continuing to write about my divorce….and…why I wouldn’t just want to get on with my life?

Well, first let me start by saying that if you’ve ever been divorced with children, you’d know that there is no easy way of ‘forgetting my divorce’ and ‘getting on with life’. It will always be a part of my life for as long as I am alive. But, with that being said, it’s been six years since the ink dried on my decree (seven if you count the separation and legal procedures) and I have to say that I think I’ve pretty much moved on. I’ve grown a lot since then. I don’t blame anyone for my marriage ending, I like and accept who I am, I am independent, decided to relocate 600 miles away from my home state to begin my life over, and have continued to raise my children well. They are happy and healthy and our home life is very stable and loving. Recently, I even got re-married, (not that re-marrying indicates healing, because it doesn’t: read more), but I think it’s safe to say: I’m over it.
Secondly, anyone who reads my DD Disclaimer knows that my mission never is to encourage those in ‘difficult’ marriages to separate. Divorce is a personal choice, and unless it’s absolutely necessary, you should stay married to your spouse, stick it out, and seek help.
Unfortunately, though, in some cases even after working to repair the marriage, it’s still necessary for divorce. Divorce is not inevitablebut it does happen, and will continue to as long as it is a legal right. (I give it about fifteen to twenty more years before it’s at risk of being challenged.)
When I got married to my first husband seventeen years ago, I never imagined that my fairytale wedding and marriage would end in divorce. Though, sadly it did.
I began Divorced Dazed, because I was painfully aware that there’s not much out there for divorce support other than lot’s of p-o’d people  cussing about their  ‘X’s, and too many websites offering nasty legal advice.
If you follow my blog, you know I’m not dwelling, complaining or staying stuck in the past…I write to help put things into perspective for those encountering their divorce ‘daze’.

I thought ten years of being married was a feat. I was proud of that, and I hated to give it up by divorcing my husband, but it was clear, that after that many years together, the depth of our relationship was just not there like it should be. I’m afraid it never was, because now with my current husband I have what I thought marriage should have been like all along, and in a short amount of time.

Like comparing the quality of my first ten years of marriage with my ‘X’, to my short second marriage; quantity did not mean quality.

That goes for this blog as well.

As ten years of marriage does not equal a healthy relationship, three blog posts a week does not mean great information. I’ve decided to better service Divorce Dazed readers decreasing the quantity of weekly posts from three, to one. Monday’s posts will now have deeper topics, more guidance, and exercises, to help you with your life transition. With this change, I hope it leaves readers feeling more empowered with motivation and inspiration than ever before, and just like divorce: It’s not the end, it’s just a new beginning.

Thank you for supporting Divorce Dazed and I hope you will evolve with me.
Feel free to share your thoughts and suggest topics which are important to you.
See you next Monday!

                                                   
During my divorce it seemed Valentines was a wasted holiday, stupid actually.
I thought to myself: Flower prices are hiked up, dinner reservations are impossible to get and the pressure to have a Valentine, or Be One, is incredibly annoying.
It made me want to boycott Valentine’s Day altogether.
But, that’s a little extreme. Just because I didn’t have a mate, didn’t mean I had to hate the #1 Day of Love.
Instead, I decided to view V-Day differently. Instead of focusing on the fact that I didn’t have anything to celebrate…I chose to focus on the meaning behind the day itself…expressing love.
As much as the mushy day seems quite focused on couples, it really is a day to celebrate Love in general. That can be any love. Love with your children, love with your family, love for your friends…and the one we tend to forget about most…ourselves!
Happy Valentine’s to You. Celebrate yourself, the strides you’ve made, the life you are building and the future that is yours.
This Valentine’s Day, don’t boycott the day, just celebrate it a different way.
Do something for you! You deserve it! Most importantly, you deserve Self-Love.

Last week, I came across an excellent divorce-advice post and posted about it here on Divorce Dazed. As I read it, I recognized many things I’d either been through in my divorce or had written about in my blogs.

Though as I delved deeper into the post, I found a section on ‘sex with your ex’.

It got me thinking. Well, not about sex with my ‘X’ – well, yes, I guess I so, but not in our married days- more so, sex with him while we were separated (because that’s what that part of the post was about specifically).

Funny, how time goes by, and after you are far out of the eye-of-the-storm, you really don’t think about those things anymore.

Remarried now, I obviously do not have the need, or desire, to recall sexual encounters with my ‘X’ so I guess I just forgot about it. But, after reading the post and revisiting the past, I am trying to decide whether the after-separation-sex was actually out of neediness like the blog said or I wonder if it were a part of an honest attempt at reconciliation?

I searched my mind (and the internet) for some more answers. I found these:

If you are the husband, it is probably more about what the husband usually wants: sex and acceptance.
If you are the wife, it is probably more about what the wife wants: feelings and attention.

So, was sex with my ‘X’ about reconciliation, or the need and desire to have sex?

I’d have to say both, depending on the people.

I know that for me, our post-divorce sex was both for me:
At first it was part of my assumptions of reconciliation. Then, after it was clear at one point that we were clearly never going to be able to work things out, it was just a one-time-event which was convenient for us and worked out time (and need) wise.

So, it didn’t mend us, but could sex with the ‘X’ put it all back together again for others?

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I doubt it.

But, if it feels good, and you each understands it’s purpose….I say go with it. (Sound ludicrous?) It’s not unheard of, most couples get along better when they aren’t married anymore and actually, in a book I recently read ‘Not My Daughter’ by Barbara Delinsky, the main character had sex with her ‘X’ whenever he came back to town to see his teenage daughter. (They were not married-so there was never a divorce, but they were not a couple anymore and they kept this behavior going for 16 years.)

It’s sex. In a marriage it’s sacred. In a divorce it’s complicated. In this society, just about anything is possible.
It’s your relationship and it’s your business.

But….

(There’s always a but, isn’t there?)

Before you jump in between the sheets with your ‘X’, learn more about this decision to find out whether or not it’s for you. Sex is a very powerful thing, it can confuse the mind and complicate the relationship, so before you play with fire, make sure you do your homework and know what you’re getting yourself into. Also, something to think about: If you are entering this arrangement under the assumption that your ‘X’ is exclusive to you, there MUST be a certain level of trust.

It’s risky business having sex with the ‘X’…so be sure it’s truly the right thing for you before you do it.

 

Recently, I wrote a post about a book I was reading by Isabel Gillies (who plays Kathy Stabler on L&O: SVU).

In What’s Your Divorce Story?, I described how Gillies’ divorce is quite different from my own, and after finishing the book, I still have to agree.

 All except for the Kelly Clarkson song, ‘Since You Been Gone’.


               That one was right on!

Lighthearted throughout most of her book, she chronicles her journey through the rebuilding process:

  • moving out of her dream home in Ohio 
    • moving in with her parents in NYC 
      • getting the kids into school…

She bares her soul and discusses her hopes:

  •  her husband will come and ask her to come home
    •  or…her friends will hook her up with a hunk
      •  she will re-marry and live happily ever after…

She shares her feelings:

 
  •  heartache
    • pain
      • confusion

Sounds like divorce alright.

We all have our own break-up story. Each one more intricate than the next. I found it extremely eye opening to view someone else’s divorce so intimately.

She states the divorce left behind ‘a bloody hole’….

Though Isabel’s path was different from my own…it seemed many of the emotions and hurdles afterwards, were the same.

Read A Year and Six Seconds if you are looking for someone to commiserate with, hope with, and cheer on, because she doesn’t hold anything back, and she doesn’t apologize for it. And though the ending is somewhat bittersweet, I enjoyed this book and think she is one brave woman.

(For those of you who are interested in the archives and the additional pages mentioned here today that are not yet listed  in this blog on WP, please visit: Divorce Dazed)

There are many a things to be done after divorce, though there are probably many more we should not do, but we do anyways. And, all too often, we tend to learn our lesson after it’s been a while, i.e.; when it’s too late.Here is a page on Divorce Dazed which I’ve updated a bit.

This information can be reached in the future by clicking on the Divorce Don’ts tab

Divorce Don’ts 

(By the way, no matter how much it seems….nothing on this list will make the divorce better…hence why it’s successfully made it to the No-No list.)


Healthy Divorcee’s say ‘No’ to the following:
  • Blaming your ‘X’
  • Blaming yourself
  • Dating too soon (for starters-before the divorce is final, is too soon)
  • Dating online
  • Re-marrying too soon (especially to someone you met online)
  • Destroying old photos (you will regret this and your kids may hate you for it)
  • Badmouthing your X to your children (if you have them-the kids will hate this also)
  • Starting every sentence with ‘my X’ when talking to friends (you’re hurt, we get it, now get over it, nobody wants to hear the broken record)
  • Searching for a pill or drink that will numb the pain or loneliness you feel (this won”t make it go away, it just creates a whole new problem)
Yes, divorce is ugly and makes you want to get over it A.S.A.P. and with minimal damage.
It is possible, but it’s not easy.

Visit some other posts here on Divorce Dazed, and try to find solace in the fact that many of us have been in the same boat….Divorce is no picnic, for sure.
But the good news is, as time passes, so will the pain…The sun truly will shine again.

Many wonderful opportunities come to us disguised as bad events.
Don’t lose hope.

~’Just when the caterpillar thought that the world was over, he became a butterfly.’~ proverb