Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

Divorce is NEVER The End

So, why do those of us who become divorced think it is? Maybe it’s because we become comfortable with what we have, Maybe because we’re afraid of what’s on the other side of that door…
Maybe we just like it here.

 

6 years ago… After my divorce,  if you asked me where I’d be right now, I’d never in a million years say HERE.

 
But, I am…and if this is what The End looks like, I love it!
Divorce Dazed is not the first divorce writing I’ve done, I had a column back at home (in Connecticut where I am from) and there I wrote about how I worked through the process. Divorce Dazed was born later, when I had the desire to share with others what I learned from it, how to laugh about it, and what to do after it. I’ve been blogging as a whole since October 2010  and at some point along the way, my ability to write and relate to others has grown into 2 more blogsa parenting column in a magazine and now a business.
At this point, my divorce has become one of the greatest blessings in my life… 
but on that note, it’s also time for more change.
I’ve accomplished a lot since my divorce and now I’m working on some other goals, like focusing on my flourishing business and my parenting book… so my divorce blogging ‘daze’ will have to take a back seat.
There are 160 posts for you to choose from on Divorce Dazed, and if you’re going through a divorce or preparing for one, use the search bar to find some priceless pieces of advice. And… if you’re interested in following me on the rest of my journey of the brokenclick here… because like I’ve always said:

 ~ LIFE GOES ON ~

BE INSPIRED BY THIS BLOG,  BY YOUR DIVORCE &

BY YOUR FUTURE.

I am…

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TRUE:
Divorce is the end of our marriage,
 and a chapter in our lives,
But, it doesn’t have to be the end of our world,
our life,
or our happiness!
TRUE:
‘Nobody can go back and start a new beginning…

but
Anyone can start today and make a new ending.’
-Maria Robinson
LET GO OF YOUR OLD STORY,
AND REWRITE A NEW ONE WITH A MAGNIFICENT ENDING!
TODAY!!!!

“Whenever I date a guy I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’ – Rita Rudner

This quote was funny to me at first, because Rita Rudner is funny, and I’m divorced with children.

But, then I realized, a young woman in love usually dreams about the opposite:
 ‘Will this guy be a good father and husband?’

That’s when I thought this quote was scary.

It’s not only imperative that my children choose the right partner for life/marriage, because I want them to be happy and have a healthy relationship and children, if they choose this lifestyle,
but also because divorce is a free right, and very commonly done in the U.S., 
so I want them to consider their rough patches in a more serious light, prior to marriage.

They need to ask themselves, ‘If I don’t like this now, how will it be if I wind up divorced from this person (which is a dirty business) and co-parenting for the rest of my life with them…

A Note for All Young Loves and Potential Marriages:
It doesn’t get better after marriage and it surely won’t get better after divorce…
Please pay attention to signs, red flags and issues…

No amount of love and wedding bells, or children, will fix these things.
And, it would be better to reevaluate now, before you live the rough patch, for the rest of your life, 
and as that person’s worst enemy because then it’s even less fun.

Not a downer, 
just the truth.

Marriage is serious business.
And should not be taken lightly.

 

I bet you didn’t.

Unless you got onto that topic of conversation, of course.

Well, I did, and was surprised when he told me.

But should I have been?

Because supposedly, one in every two marriages ends in divorce, and according to a study I read on divorce by country, 4.95 people per thousand are divorced in America.

I completely believe divorce is just one of those things that’s going to be around for as long as mistakes are….not that I like it…because I don’t…but I grew up with it, did it, and well…

This is my thought:

Considering errors have been in existence for (oh, let’s say) forever…I’m afraid that divorce isn’t going anywhere. (Unless our government decides to take that freedom away from us too.)

Truths:


We are human,
imperfect,
broken,
and at the mercy of a powerful driving force which is not always looking our for us; our brain.

The Craziness:
Love…and our powerhouse of a mind…
Yes, that’s right, our deep desires, our incredible love for acceptance and affection… our own ability to justify, accept, and deny problems…all actions which can lead to mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes in love.

We don’t do it because we want divorce…on the contrary, we do it because we have hope…


Another part of human nature…


Although this is a post divorce blog,
and I am divorced…
I’d still love to see the divorce rate decrease,
so I occasionally write about marriage…
In a past post on my other blog I wrote
This article will help
you know if it’s wrong.
 
      (If you still want to go through with it,
this cake topper can be found at:
I never believed this quote by Groucho Marx:

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce….

But, I guess it could have some merit considering what I know now.

 

I never really liked the assumptions that I used to get in the beginning of my divorce. I especially disliked the comments I received, and sometimes still do:
“Well, I know you can understand, because you’re divorced, and obviously as a single mom, you parent your children differently now.” (People were referring to spoiling my children after divorce.)
After hearing that a few times, without much reply (because I was busy denying it), I actually had to wonder: “Do I really parent my kids differently after their dad and I separated? Do I spoil them?”
I’ve always been an involved, loving, compassionate, firm, no-nonsense, communicative mother.
 ~That’s who I was before the divorce, and I’d like to think that’s how I am now.
“I parent the same”…I still want what’s best for them, I still explain to them the facts of life, the troubles ahead and the importance of decisions. I still spend quality time with them, laugh, play and bake chocolate chip cookies. So what gives!?
I guide and love them the same, as if I were still married to their dad…..
The logistics have changed, that’s all.
Except, after I thought about it more, I had to admit, I might parent a little differently since the split almost seven years ago….
I MIGHT avoid sugar coating things even more now…
I MIGHT reveal more of myself than I did before…
AndI MIGHT take their errors to a whole new level of importance…
Because, I feel I need to drive home the fact that some mistakes are bigger than others…but all in all, I’m still me….AND, I still DON’T let them get away with murder, have everything they want or treat me with disrepect.
Do not feel shame or remorse because of your divorce, and never feel that you need to ‘make it up to them’.  Kids can become dependent on that and feed off of it; using it to their advantage. Children are resilient, and with enough love and faith in their lives, they will be okay. You need, now, more than ever, to keep things on an even keel and assure them that you are still you, and they are still them.
Use Divorce as a great time to get real with your kids. When parent’s are not perfect, it create’s an opportunity to explain how and why you messed up, what you learned and what you might have done differently. If you do this, there’s a good chance you can help them break the cycle.
Tips on How to Parent Your Child After Divorce:

Continue being yourself as a single parent.

Last year, when I started Divorce Dazed, it was the last of the babies born to my collection of blogs, and as it reaches it’s first anniversary, I’m evaluating it, and its content, just as I’ve done with the others.Some have asked me why I glorify divorce, others wonder why I want to stay stuck in the past by continuing to write about my divorce….and…why I wouldn’t just want to get on with my life?

Well, first let me start by saying that if you’ve ever been divorced with children, you’d know that there is no easy way of ‘forgetting my divorce’ and ‘getting on with life’. It will always be a part of my life for as long as I am alive. But, with that being said, it’s been six years since the ink dried on my decree (seven if you count the separation and legal procedures) and I have to say that I think I’ve pretty much moved on. I’ve grown a lot since then. I don’t blame anyone for my marriage ending, I like and accept who I am, I am independent, decided to relocate 600 miles away from my home state to begin my life over, and have continued to raise my children well. They are happy and healthy and our home life is very stable and loving. Recently, I even got re-married, (not that re-marrying indicates healing, because it doesn’t: read more), but I think it’s safe to say: I’m over it.
Secondly, anyone who reads my DD Disclaimer knows that my mission never is to encourage those in ‘difficult’ marriages to separate. Divorce is a personal choice, and unless it’s absolutely necessary, you should stay married to your spouse, stick it out, and seek help.
Unfortunately, though, in some cases even after working to repair the marriage, it’s still necessary for divorce. Divorce is not inevitablebut it does happen, and will continue to as long as it is a legal right. (I give it about fifteen to twenty more years before it’s at risk of being challenged.)
When I got married to my first husband seventeen years ago, I never imagined that my fairytale wedding and marriage would end in divorce. Though, sadly it did.
I began Divorced Dazed, because I was painfully aware that there’s not much out there for divorce support other than lot’s of p-o’d people  cussing about their  ‘X’s, and too many websites offering nasty legal advice.
If you follow my blog, you know I’m not dwelling, complaining or staying stuck in the past…I write to help put things into perspective for those encountering their divorce ‘daze’.

I thought ten years of being married was a feat. I was proud of that, and I hated to give it up by divorcing my husband, but it was clear, that after that many years together, the depth of our relationship was just not there like it should be. I’m afraid it never was, because now with my current husband I have what I thought marriage should have been like all along, and in a short amount of time.

Like comparing the quality of my first ten years of marriage with my ‘X’, to my short second marriage; quantity did not mean quality.

That goes for this blog as well.

As ten years of marriage does not equal a healthy relationship, three blog posts a week does not mean great information. I’ve decided to better service Divorce Dazed readers decreasing the quantity of weekly posts from three, to one. Monday’s posts will now have deeper topics, more guidance, and exercises, to help you with your life transition. With this change, I hope it leaves readers feeling more empowered with motivation and inspiration than ever before, and just like divorce: It’s not the end, it’s just a new beginning.

Thank you for supporting Divorce Dazed and I hope you will evolve with me.
Feel free to share your thoughts and suggest topics which are important to you.
See you next Monday!