Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

Divorce is NEVER The End

So, why do those of us who become divorced think it is? Maybe it’s because we become comfortable with what we have, Maybe because we’re afraid of what’s on the other side of that door…
Maybe we just like it here.

 

6 years ago… After my divorce,  if you asked me where I’d be right now, I’d never in a million years say HERE.

 
But, I am…and if this is what The End looks like, I love it!
Divorce Dazed is not the first divorce writing I’ve done, I had a column back at home (in Connecticut where I am from) and there I wrote about how I worked through the process. Divorce Dazed was born later, when I had the desire to share with others what I learned from it, how to laugh about it, and what to do after it. I’ve been blogging as a whole since October 2010  and at some point along the way, my ability to write and relate to others has grown into 2 more blogsa parenting column in a magazine and now a business.
At this point, my divorce has become one of the greatest blessings in my life… 
but on that note, it’s also time for more change.
I’ve accomplished a lot since my divorce and now I’m working on some other goals, like focusing on my flourishing business and my parenting book… so my divorce blogging ‘daze’ will have to take a back seat.
There are 160 posts for you to choose from on Divorce Dazed, and if you’re going through a divorce or preparing for one, use the search bar to find some priceless pieces of advice. And… if you’re interested in following me on the rest of my journey of the brokenclick here… because like I’ve always said:

 ~ LIFE GOES ON ~

BE INSPIRED BY THIS BLOG,  BY YOUR DIVORCE &

BY YOUR FUTURE.

I am…

“Whenever I date a guy I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’ – Rita Rudner

This quote was funny to me at first, because Rita Rudner is funny, and I’m divorced with children.

But, then I realized, a young woman in love usually dreams about the opposite:
 ‘Will this guy be a good father and husband?’

That’s when I thought this quote was scary.

It’s not only imperative that my children choose the right partner for life/marriage, because I want them to be happy and have a healthy relationship and children, if they choose this lifestyle,
but also because divorce is a free right, and very commonly done in the U.S., 
so I want them to consider their rough patches in a more serious light, prior to marriage.

They need to ask themselves, ‘If I don’t like this now, how will it be if I wind up divorced from this person (which is a dirty business) and co-parenting for the rest of my life with them…

A Note for All Young Loves and Potential Marriages:
It doesn’t get better after marriage and it surely won’t get better after divorce…
Please pay attention to signs, red flags and issues…

No amount of love and wedding bells, or children, will fix these things.
And, it would be better to reevaluate now, before you live the rough patch, for the rest of your life, 
and as that person’s worst enemy because then it’s even less fun.

Not a downer, 
just the truth.

Marriage is serious business.
And should not be taken lightly.

If you’re divorced with kids, you might still be battling the guilt that goes with being divorced. But, I want to let you know, you shouldn’t let it eat you alive.

First of all, it’s already done, and you can’t go back and change things.

Secondly, according to a piece written by Mary Parke regarding a research study done by CLASP (Center for Law and Social Policy), it’s possible that the quality of the parent’s relationship can be more significant in your children’s life, than divorce.

Even though I’ve always thought this was true, (hence why I left my ‘X’) it’s one of those things most people like to see in writing before they believe it…

This is what I’ve always thought: 
“How could it be better for a kid (or kids) to deal with horrible repeat fights, constant underlying stress and the discord between two parents, over a divorce?” I just could never believe it was, and I worried that my children would grow up witnessing our continued mistakes then go out and repeat them…

Here’s the article:
Doesn’t the Quality of the Relationship Matter More Than the Piece of Paper?

The quality of the relationship between parents matters to child well-being. Children who grow up in married families with high conflict experience lower emotional well-being than children who live in low-conflict families, and they may experience as many problems as children of divorced or never-married parents.47 Research indicates that marital conflict interferes with the quality of parenting. Furthermore, experiencing chronic conflict between married parents is inherently stressful for children, and children learn poor relationship skills from parents who aren’t able to solve problems amicably. When parents have a highly discordant relationship, children are often better off in the long run if their parents divorce. Between 30 and 40 percent of divorces of couples with children are preceded by a period of chronic discord between the parents. In these situations, children do better when their parents divorce than if they stay married.

Seems that if parents who absolutely cannot get a long at all, go through with divorce, they help children avoid learning the ill-handled conflict and poor relationship and communication habits. (Hence why it’s best to get help to learn how to improve these, but it’s not all parents benefit from it, which leads us back to the divorce option.)

In my own personal case, I know that this time around in my second marriage, my children see two adults dealing with our disagreements better. We are not perfect, but we do handle our disagreements better and communicate more successfully than my first husband and I did. Although I did feel very guilty after my divorce because I really thought I might be messing up my kids, I have learned that they are witnessing a much healthier relationship, and will benefit from this today, and always. Hopefully, I will help them break the cycle. (That was the goal.)

What made you feel guilty about your divorce?

How do you think your children have benefited through the divorce?

 

I bet you didn’t.

Unless you got onto that topic of conversation, of course.

Well, I did, and was surprised when he told me.

But should I have been?

Because supposedly, one in every two marriages ends in divorce, and according to a study I read on divorce by country, 4.95 people per thousand are divorced in America.

I completely believe divorce is just one of those things that’s going to be around for as long as mistakes are….not that I like it…because I don’t…but I grew up with it, did it, and well…

This is my thought:

Considering errors have been in existence for (oh, let’s say) forever…I’m afraid that divorce isn’t going anywhere. (Unless our government decides to take that freedom away from us too.)

Truths:


We are human,
imperfect,
broken,
and at the mercy of a powerful driving force which is not always looking our for us; our brain.

The Craziness:
Love…and our powerhouse of a mind…
Yes, that’s right, our deep desires, our incredible love for acceptance and affection… our own ability to justify, accept, and deny problems…all actions which can lead to mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes in love.

We don’t do it because we want divorce…on the contrary, we do it because we have hope…


Another part of human nature…


Although this is a post divorce blog,
and I am divorced…
I’d still love to see the divorce rate decrease,
so I occasionally write about marriage…
In a past post on my other blog I wrote
This article will help
you know if it’s wrong.
 
      (If you still want to go through with it,
this cake topper can be found at:
I never believed this quote by Groucho Marx:

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce….

But, I guess it could have some merit considering what I know now.
It’s long been said that those who live together first, then marry, will have a higher chance of divorce.

According to this article :

1. Higher Divorce Rate
Perhaps the most compelling and widespread argument against living together before marriage is that several researchers say it increases the risk of breaking up. Virtually all studies of this topic have shown that the chance of divorce is significantly greater for married couples who lived together first. And in 1992, the National Survey of Families and Households found that, in 3,300 families, married couples who had lived together first were judged to be 46 percent more likely to get divorced.

After my divorce in 2006, this type of study (and outcomes) were still leaning towards this being true, though I never really believed it. Although my ‘X’ and I did live together first, I never thought that had anything to do with our divorce.
Living together first would actually put you in a better position I’d think.

I have always said that you never really know someone until you live with them. I’d have to imagine that if you are able to live with someone first, you would have the chance to get to know them better, then decide better whether or not should marry them.

(It’s true: everyone has an outward face or personality and some things many people including our close friends might not know about us. We all put on our best when we are out with others and the only way to deeply know a person is to live with them day in and day out. That way you see their habits- both goodand bad.)

This way, if you live with someone and suddenly cannot stand them, chances are you won’t marry them, and in turn, won’t be getting divorced.

While writing this, I wanted to see if the old statistics are still being pushed… so I looked up some more recent stats on ‘live-together-before-marriage-leads-to-higher-divorce rates’… and I found this.

Hmmm… sure does sound more logical (and more accurate).

Sometimes it seems impossible to appreciate lost love…
 But I learned a long time ago from a good friend,
that we need to appreciate all things
which happen to us;
 even the bad ones.
and 
‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
~ Dr. Seuss
Today make a list of ten good things that came out of your Divorce.


Come on…I know you can do it.

If I can, you can:
My 10 Good Things:

1. My 3 amazing children
2. My new life and career
3. My stronger sense of self
4. Our many years of fun and freedom when young love was simple and easy
5. The fact that my ‘X’ taught me to order something different off the menu every time I eat out
6. 2 years of being a stay at home Mom (probably the most priceless experience besides giving birth)
7. My amazing 2nd husband
8. My renewed trust in God
9. Increased inner strength, self confidence and self respect
10. The ability to help better educate my children on ‘life’

Someone else once said to me that ‘Nothing is a loss’…