Sex With My ‘X’

Posted: January 30, 2012 in divorce, healing, marriage
Tags: , , , , , ,

Last week, I came across an excellent divorce-advice post and posted about it here on Divorce Dazed. As I read it, I recognized many things I’d either been through in my divorce or had written about in my blogs.

Though as I delved deeper into the post, I found a section on ‘sex with your ex’.

It got me thinking. Well, not about sex with my ‘X’ – well, yes, I guess I so, but not in our married days- more so, sex with him while we were separated (because that’s what that part of the post was about specifically).

Funny, how time goes by, and after you are far out of the eye-of-the-storm, you really don’t think about those things anymore.

Remarried now, I obviously do not have the need, or desire, to recall sexual encounters with my ‘X’ so I guess I just forgot about it. But, after reading the post and revisiting the past, I am trying to decide whether the after-separation-sex was actually out of neediness like the blog said or I wonder if it were a part of an honest attempt at reconciliation?

I searched my mind (and the internet) for some more answers. I found these:

If you are the husband, it is probably more about what the husband usually wants: sex and acceptance.
If you are the wife, it is probably more about what the wife wants: feelings and attention.

So, was sex with my ‘X’ about reconciliation, or the need and desire to have sex?

I’d have to say both, depending on the people.

I know that for me, our post-divorce sex was both for me:
At first it was part of my assumptions of reconciliation. Then, after it was clear at one point that we were clearly never going to be able to work things out, it was just a one-time-event which was convenient for us and worked out time (and need) wise.

So, it didn’t mend us, but could sex with the ‘X’ put it all back together again for others?

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I doubt it.

But, if it feels good, and you each understands it’s purpose….I say go with it. (Sound ludicrous?) It’s not unheard of, most couples get along better when they aren’t married anymore and actually, in a book I recently read ‘Not My Daughter’ by Barbara Delinsky, the main character had sex with her ‘X’ whenever he came back to town to see his teenage daughter. (They were not married-so there was never a divorce, but they were not a couple anymore and they kept this behavior going for 16 years.)

It’s sex. In a marriage it’s sacred. In a divorce it’s complicated. In this society, just about anything is possible.
It’s your relationship and it’s your business.


(There’s always a but, isn’t there?)

Before you jump in between the sheets with your ‘X’, learn more about this decision to find out whether or not it’s for you. Sex is a very powerful thing, it can confuse the mind and complicate the relationship, so before you play with fire, make sure you do your homework and know what you’re getting yourself into. Also, something to think about: If you are entering this arrangement under the assumption that your ‘X’ is exclusive to you, there MUST be a certain level of trust.

It’s risky business having sex with the ‘X’…so be sure it’s truly the right thing for you before you do it.


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