Divorce is NEVER The End…
6 years ago… After my divorce, if you asked me where I’d be right now, I’d never in a million years say HERE.
but on that note, it’s also time for more change.
If you’re divorced with kids, you might still be battling the guilt that goes with being divorced. But, I want to let you know, you shouldn’t let it eat you alive.
First of all, it’s already done, and you can’t go back and change things.
Secondly, according to a piece written by Mary Parke regarding a research study done by CLASP (Center for Law and Social Policy), it’s possible that the quality of the parent’s relationship can be more significant in your children’s life, than divorce.
Even though I’ve always thought this was true, (hence why I left my ‘X’) it’s one of those things most people like to see in writing before they believe it…
This is what I’ve always thought:
“How could it be better for a kid (or kids) to deal with horrible repeat fights, constant underlying stress and the discord between two parents, over a divorce?” I just could never believe it was, and I worried that my children would grow up witnessing our continued mistakes then go out and repeat them…
Here’s the article:
Doesn’t the Quality of the Relationship Matter More Than the Piece of Paper?
In my own personal case, I know that this time around in my second marriage, my children see two adults dealing with our disagreements better. We are not perfect, but we do handle our disagreements better and communicate more successfully than my first husband and I did. Although I did feel very guilty after my divorce because I really thought I might be messing up my kids, I have learned that they are witnessing a much healthier relationship, and will benefit from this today, and always. Hopefully, I will help them break the cycle. (That was the goal.)
I bet you didn’t.
Unless you got onto that topic of conversation, of course.
Well, I did, and was surprised when he told me.
But should I have been?
I completely believe divorce is just one of those things that’s going to be around for as long as mistakes are….not that I like it…because I don’t…but I grew up with it, did it, and well…
This is my thought:
Considering errors have been in existence for (oh, let’s say) forever…I’m afraid that divorce isn’t going anywhere. (Unless our government decides to take that freedom away from us too.)
We are human,
and at the mercy of a powerful driving force which is not always looking our for us; our brain.
Love…and our powerhouse of a mind…
Yes, that’s right, our deep desires, our incredible love for acceptance and affection… our own ability to justify, accept, and deny problems…all actions which can lead to mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes in love.
We don’t do it because we want divorce…on the contrary, we do it because we have hope…
Another part of human nature…
1. Higher Divorce Rate
Perhaps the most compelling and widespread argument against living together before marriage is that several researchers say it increases the risk of breaking up. Virtually all studies of this topic have shown that the chance of divorce is significantly greater for married couples who lived together first. And in 1992, the National Survey of Families and Households found that, in 3,300 families, married couples who had lived together first were judged to be 46 percent more likely to get divorced.
I have always said that you never really know someone until you live with them. I’d have to imagine that if you are able to live with someone first, you would have the chance to get to know them better, then decide better whether or not should marry them.
(It’s true: everyone has an outward face or personality and some things many people including our close friends might not know about us. We all put on our best when we are out with others and the only way to deeply know a person is to live with them day in and day out. That way you see their habits- both goodand bad.)
This way, if you live with someone and suddenly cannot stand them, chances are you won’t marry them, and in turn, won’t be getting divorced.
While writing this, I wanted to see if the old statistics are still being pushed… so I looked up some more recent stats on ‘live-together-before-marriage-leads-to-higher-divorce rates’… and I found this.
Hmmm… sure does sound more logical (and more accurate).
If they already split the stuff, paid the bills and divided up the pets, they can essentially just move on, and possibly never speak to one another again.
For divorced parents, it is not that simple.
My current husband was very lucky, his father and mother were very mature. They were kind to one another and put themselves, and their troubles, aside for the children.
If parents can think and act this way, kids get the best of both parents and they feel they can talk to, and trust both of them, and won’t fear getting caught in the middle.
In Successful Co-Parenting parents must remember, it’s about communication, flexibility, cooperation and love….
It is the children’s best interest which should always be at the forefront of the matter, moment and mood….hence why the court papers state this.
I thought ten years of being married was a feat. I was proud of that, and I hated to give it up by divorcing my husband, but it was clear, that after that many years together, the depth of our relationship was just not there like it should be. I’m afraid it never was, because now with my current husband I have what I thought marriage should have been like all along, and in a short amount of time.
Like comparing the quality of my first ten years of marriage with my ‘X’, to my short second marriage; quantity did not mean quality.
As ten years of marriage does not equal a healthy relationship, three blog posts a week does not mean great information. I’ve decided to better service Divorce Dazed readers decreasing the quantity of weekly posts from three, to one. Monday’s posts will now have deeper topics, more guidance, and exercises, to help you with your life transition. With this change, I hope it leaves readers feeling more empowered with motivation and inspiration than ever before, and just like divorce: It’s not the end, it’s just a new beginning.